I packed them in my bag. I remember it. But after the workout was done. The shower was complete. My teeth were brushed – sure, I remembered that. I reached into the bag for my pants and … nothing – a sweaty wrist wrap, a baggie of baby carrots, and some duffel goo, but no pants.

A wave of panic rushed over me as I dug through every pocket of my bag. No. No. Nope, not there, either… WHAT THE HELL? I REMEMBER PACKING THEM! Soon, other guys in the locker room were noticing my stress / panic.

“I think I forgot my pants.” I said to no one – just trying to explain why I was rustling around in my bag of sweaty clothes like a freak. “I swear I packed ‘em.” And I laughed a feeble laugh. “heh..uhhe…” keeping my eyes on the search.

Quickly, my mind raced back to 8th grade swim practice where at this moment, the Seniors would pick me up and throw me into the hall wearing nothing but my shiny braces – quickly locking the door behind me. So, calmly and as graciously as possible, I’d cover my genitals and wave a single salute at Jenny Tripp and her squealing gaggle of girlfriends.

Ah, but this is 30 years later and I was in no threat of utter embarrassment. And anyway, who would want to throw a sweaty 43-year old out into a hallway wearing nothing but blue dress socks and a tee-shirt?!?

“I’ll laugh my ASS off if you have to walk to your car like that!” a voice echoed from behind me.

Aw shit, I thought. Not now. Not here.

Then, from 4 lockers down a gentleman held out a pair of sweat pants. “You can wear these if you want.” he held them up, “They’re clean.” and took a sniff as if to assure me they didn’t stink.

“Thanks.” I laughed. ” I think I’ll be okay from here to my car in my own sweatpants.” although the idea of putting my post-workout rags back on was horrifying. Out of disciplined honor to “the Dude’s Code,” I just couldn’t borrow another man’s pants - clean or not.

SO, the embarrassing chaos ended as the other men cleared the locker room and I got half dressed. I put away my toothbrush and razor. I put away my hair brush and face towel. I zipped them all safely away for the day’s journey to the back of my Jeep. I put on my shirt and took my sweater off the hanger and …

Oh, my pants.

Keep Cooking & Happy Thanksgiving… Whatever state of dress you may be in.
Andrew B. Clark
The Brand Chef

Of course there are still common sense uses for telemarketing, but with the onset of digital messaging, I see its use and utility becoming a little like that of the FAX machine. I still have a FAX number on my business card, but really couldn’t pinpoint the last time it was used.

So, that brings me to today’s little post. While I was at lunch with some close friends, I saw a call come in on my cell phone that I didn’t recognize. Generally, and I’m sorry to those I’ve screened, I don’t answer calls from numbers I don’t readily identify as “friendly.” That may be due to the fact that I used to be the director of a loan collection telemarketing center, or it may simply be that I live in Iowa, where every 4-years-or-so, we become the political solicitation call capital of the world. In any case, if you’ve gone my to voice-mail once and left a “friendly” message, I can guarantee you probably won’t again (unless I’m too busy for real.)

So, I finished lunch and got back to the office to check my messages and I’m assaulted with the following:

Yeah, right?

So, let me smack this poor guy around a little…

1. The company (or guy) did a Google search for “Social Media” — maybe even as specific as “Social Media Marketing, Des Moines” and found my Website. BIG DEAL
2. He’s reading from a poorly written script. YAWN
3. His pitch was vague, broad and unappealing. CLICK
4. There was no tangible call-to-action. FAIL
5. There was no research or qualification to the call. DUH And
6. HE SURE AS HELL KNEW MY NAME IS ANDREW…  (he said it 9 times in less than 90 seconds! GOOD LORD! I’m vain, but that’s uncalled for!)

So, what are my takeaways from this little solicitation? Telemarketing can work if you approach it logically.

1. Don’t be a robot.  If I were to answer, I can only assume this guy would have, without taking a breath, given me the :90 seconds you just heard without engaging me for a second. If you’re going from a script, memorize it and interject sales points and benefits as the conversation progresses. Don’t read to me!
2. Be prepared. Sure a Google search and some skimming of a company website may give you the gist of who you’re calling, but with a little deeper dive (LinkedIn, Twitter search, etc.) he could have personalized some of the pitch to make me feel more comfortable that he was stalking me.
3. Don’t bury your lead. It took well over :50 seconds (of :90 total) for the “Hook” to be presented. If you want to get someone’s attention, you don’t have time for chit-chat, especially in this day of “Immediate Gratification.” I’ve seen his business model as a start-up happen in less time than it took him to tell me about it. TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!
4. Finally, Leave ‘Em Hangin’… Don’t reveal the hook when leaving a voice-mail… Even when I was collecting student loans, I would leave messages that would make people think they should call back. Not by being deceptive or dishonest, but by feeding enough information to them that calling for the “punch line” seems logical.

Like I said, telemarketing can work, but it has to be used the right way.

Let me know your thoughts. Would YOU have taken this call? Would you have even listened to the enitre message before hitting DELETE?

Food for thought.

Keep Cooking,
Andrew B. Clark
The Brand Chef

As an experiment, I decided to create a screencast of the conversations that took place with and around me (@TheBrandChef) this morning.

Featured in this little conversation are friends and associates (and some people I’ve NEVER met, but I consider friends anyway):

• @JoshFleming (Josh Fleming)
• @abrudtkuhl (Andy Brudtkuhl)
• @ketelsen (Katie Ketelsen)
• @JuliaThompson (Julia Thompson)
• @JustBrady (Justin Brady)
• @theChesterfield (Strategic America)
• @Kworalsoa (Simeone S. Spagnoli)

Enjoy!

Music credit goes out to Ben Folds for including these audio loops on the last CD I bought!

Keep Cooking (creative things to do when the world seems to shut down…)
Andrew B. Clark
The Brand Chef

Take for instance the recent “change” MillerCoors Brewing has made to their packaging. We’ve all seen the “Vortex Bottles” and the new big-mouth aluminum bottles. Sure that’s different, but the product is the same, watered down, tasteless swill. There hasn’t been any value proposition or improvement in the actual product. So unless the marketers and MillerCoors Brewing think their consumers are completely ignorant, belly-scratching mouth-breathers, there won’t be a return on the repackaging investment. Even msnMoney has called this effort for more brand awareness a “gimmick.”

“and MillerCoors fight it out. They are boosting their advertising budgets and even trying gimmicks like a “Vortex Bottle” that aerates the beer as it pours.”

Does their target audience really care about aeration of their beer? I could put even money that their target audience doesn’t even aerate their lawns!

Gimmicks don’t work.

To give you a little insight on how the beer market has changed, take a look at another article from msnMoney. In brief, it says that while beer sales over the past year have plummeted by 10% the “Craft Beer” market (think Sam Adams) has seen an uptick of 2.2%.

Why?

Beers like those that Sam Adams brews offer taste, quality and variety focused on the micro-brew-lovers palate not a feeble innovation to the “dump-it-down-your-throat faster” need… Their marketing sticks to their quality brewing process and attention to the needs of their discerning customers. No gimmicks… just great brand marketing.

It comes down to adding a value proposition to their differentiation. Sure, MillerCoors brews wheat beer and has special “flavors” like Miller Chill, but it hasn’t improved overall sales or brand awareness. In this writer’s opinion, it’s just watered down (further) their brand and left a bad taste in consumers mouths (pun intended).

So, Pull up a bar stool and join the conversation. What can commodity beers like the MillerCoors products and the Anheuser-Busch line do to compete with the Sam Adams and “Craft Beer” makers? We’d love to hear what you have to say. Maybe MillerCoors is listening in?

What say you?

Until next time…

Keep Cooking (great value branding)!
Andrew B. Clark
The Brand Chef

*This post was originally seen on the CreateWOWMarketing blog…

So, today I decided to expound on the social media world’s fascination with BACON.

Yep, Bacon! It’s the American blogger’s food-porn aphrodisiac. If it came between naked pictures of Kaley Cuoco (Penny on “Big Bang Theory”) and bacon, I truly worry that the bacon would get more views. Maybe Kaley’s photos would have a lower bounce rate, but that’s a whole different blog (and innuendo)…

Anyway! I honestly can’t go a single day without seeing a tweet or a post or a photo (notice the bacon bra?) of something to do with bacon. It’s everywhere!

So, why bacon? Why? WHY!?!

1. Bacon Emotes True Passion - Starting out with the obvious, bacon is… FREAKIN’ bacon!

You can whisper “I have bacon” in a crowded room and it’s pretty certain that you get a glorious, harmonizing response of “yummmmmmm…” similar to those Tibetan Deep Throat Chants.  (video)

that aside, the draw to bacon is so powerful, some retailers and hotels have been branded JUST by the bacon they serve!  I’ve read of entire restaurant menus dedicated to bacon, but to have an endorsement like this,

“if Bacon had a God he would live at The Roger Smith Hotel!” – Chris Brogan

makes an impact for bacon’s case that knocks you off your feet.

2. Bacon Has Spanning Relevance - While I really don’t need to go into the origins of bacon, I would assume that it took some grunting relative of ours about 10 seconds to figure out the salting and curing of the fatty back parts of pigs turned a generally disgusting part of the animal into one of the most succulent slices of meat human kind would ever stumble upon. It can be fried, diced, baked, grilled and even made into ice cream. So how can bacon NOT be relevant to every social and economical demographic under the sun?

3. Bacon Is Ultimately Unique – It has a taste like no other meat product.  It’s kind of a cross between glazed ham and beef jerky.  The sheer individuality of bacon makes it the most utilitarian meat source on the planet. And just try to search for “Bacon Recipes.” You’ll be reading (and drooling) for days…

4. And Bacon Is Soooo Engaging – How can one food, one simple, solitary slice of meat become the biggest meme of the 21st century?  How can bacon, a fat, salty slice of cholesterol become more consistently popular than Justin Bieber or Britney Spears put together?

Let’s just put it this way, have you ever been unhappy eating bacon?

UH OH…  look what I just did…

Can you hear it?  Sizzling like fat on a 400˚ griddle…  my branding brain did it again.

Even when it comes to writing a silly post about the popularity of bacon, I pull in the TRUE Branding formula.  It’s inevitable. When it comes to branding, like bacon, there has to be truth, relevance, uniqueness and engagement.

I haven’t asked pork producers but this could all be a big conspiracy to sell more pork product, but I’m sure they’re not complaining.

How would YOU like your brand to have the fan base bacon has? Imagine having your brand, your product, your name associated with everything personally rewarding and ultimately sinfully satisfying as bacon.

Try it.

Keep Cooking (until it’s crisp and satisfying.)
Andrew B. Clark
The Brand Chef

And with a hat tip to my blogging buddy @AdMavericks (Josh Fleming) I give you another tribute to BACON!