I packed them in my bag. I remember it. But after the workout was done. The shower was complete. My teeth were brushed – sure, I remembered that. I reached into the bag for my pants and … nothing – a sweaty wrist wrap, a baggie of baby carrots, and some duffel goo, but no pants.

A wave of panic rushed over me as I dug through every pocket of my bag. No. No. Nope, not there, either… WHAT THE HELL? I REMEMBER PACKING THEM! Soon, other guys in the locker room were noticing my stress / panic.

“I think I forgot my pants.” I said to no one – just trying to explain why I was rustling around in my bag of sweaty clothes like a freak. “I swear I packed ‘em.” And I laughed a feeble laugh. “heh..uhhe…” keeping my eyes on the search.

Quickly, my mind raced back to 8th grade swim practice where at this moment, the Seniors would pick me up and throw me into the hall wearing nothing but my shiny braces – quickly locking the door behind me. So, calmly and as graciously as possible, I’d cover my genitals and wave a single salute at Jenny Tripp and her squealing gaggle of girlfriends.

Ah, but this is 30 years later and I was in no threat of utter embarrassment. And anyway, who would want to throw a sweaty 43-year old out into a hallway wearing nothing but blue dress socks and a tee-shirt?!?

“I’ll laugh my ASS off if you have to walk to your car like that!” a voice echoed from behind me.

Aw shit, I thought. Not now. Not here.

Then, from 4 lockers down a gentleman held out a pair of sweat pants. “You can wear these if you want.” he held them up, “They’re clean.” and took a sniff as if to assure me they didn’t stink.

“Thanks.” I laughed. ” I think I’ll be okay from here to my car in my own sweatpants.” although the idea of putting my post-workout rags back on was horrifying. Out of disciplined honor to “the Dude’s Code,” I just couldn’t borrow another man’s pants - clean or not.

SO, the embarrassing chaos ended as the other men cleared the locker room and I got half dressed. I put away my toothbrush and razor. I put away my hair brush and face towel. I zipped them all safely away for the day’s journey to the back of my Jeep. I put on my shirt and took my sweater off the hanger and …

Oh, my pants.

Keep Cooking & Happy Thanksgiving… Whatever state of dress you may be in.
Andrew B. Clark
The Brand Chef

Lately, though, I’ve been receiving an email from someone that has actually done a little homework. Or at least they “seem” to have done their homework…  Check out the email below:

Immediately, the subject line, “Are you a chef?” caught my eye. Thinking to myself, “Hey, I call myself ‘The Brand Chef,’ so maybe they have some relevance to me. Maybe I should read on.”

Then, I get into the body of the email and it says they may have “job leads for chefs.”  Of course, this is where I start thinking to myself, “But I don’t need a job as a chef; I want marketing communications leads.”

But wait…  They said “after checking out {my} website…” Well, that gives me hope that they truly know who I am and what I need… so I read on. Only to be disappointed.

Now, let’s see what they might have done wrong…

First off, they didn’t actually address it to me…  I would have accepted “Andrew, Mr. Clark, Chef Clark” or anything that might have signaled that they actually KNEW who they were talking to.  That information is easy to find, even for spam bots. OH, and let’s not forget the fact that I’M NOT AN ACTUAL CHEF! I only play one on the interwebs… 

So, Why Not Delete The SPAM And Go On With Life?

The real reason I write this is that YES, spammers are getting more sophisticated. Instead of blasting emails to anyone and everyone, they have research and demographic focus and they’re starting (scratching the surface) to use it quite well.

I post this because I actually had a client that received the SAME email (of course addressed to THEIR online brand), and they forwarded it on to me asking if they should respond because, “it sounds like a pretty legit offer…”

Sorry, client. By clicking through and even looking at their site, the spammers won. It may have been a very small victory, but they received a “click-through;” a measurable sign that what they are doing is working.

Sure there is the obvious spam that you just delete before finishing the subject line, but as I mentioned above, they’re getting pretty clever.

So, my warning to my client (and to all of you) : “Please read thoroughly, ALL emails that come across your monitor, phone, whatever, for signs that it’s spam BEFORE you click through to their site – or to some executable virus or worse…”

Keep Cooking!
Andrew B. Clark
The Brand Chef*

As an experiment, I decided to create a screencast of the conversations that took place with and around me (@TheBrandChef) this morning.

Featured in this little conversation are friends and associates (and some people I’ve NEVER met, but I consider friends anyway):

• @JoshFleming (Josh Fleming)
• @abrudtkuhl (Andy Brudtkuhl)
• @ketelsen (Katie Ketelsen)
• @JuliaThompson (Julia Thompson)
• @JustBrady (Justin Brady)
• @theChesterfield (Strategic America)
• @Kworalsoa (Simeone S. Spagnoli)

Enjoy!

Music credit goes out to Ben Folds for including these audio loops on the last CD I bought!

Keep Cooking (creative things to do when the world seems to shut down…)
Andrew B. Clark
The Brand Chef

So, today I decided to expound on the social media world’s fascination with BACON.

Yep, Bacon! It’s the American blogger’s food-porn aphrodisiac. If it came between naked pictures of Kaley Cuoco (Penny on “Big Bang Theory”) and bacon, I truly worry that the bacon would get more views. Maybe Kaley’s photos would have a lower bounce rate, but that’s a whole different blog (and innuendo)…

Anyway! I honestly can’t go a single day without seeing a tweet or a post or a photo (notice the bacon bra?) of something to do with bacon. It’s everywhere!

So, why bacon? Why? WHY!?!

1. Bacon Emotes True Passion - Starting out with the obvious, bacon is… FREAKIN’ bacon!

You can whisper “I have bacon” in a crowded room and it’s pretty certain that you get a glorious, harmonizing response of “yummmmmmm…” similar to those Tibetan Deep Throat Chants.  (video)

that aside, the draw to bacon is so powerful, some retailers and hotels have been branded JUST by the bacon they serve!  I’ve read of entire restaurant menus dedicated to bacon, but to have an endorsement like this,

“if Bacon had a God he would live at The Roger Smith Hotel!” – Chris Brogan

makes an impact for bacon’s case that knocks you off your feet.

2. Bacon Has Spanning Relevance - While I really don’t need to go into the origins of bacon, I would assume that it took some grunting relative of ours about 10 seconds to figure out the salting and curing of the fatty back parts of pigs turned a generally disgusting part of the animal into one of the most succulent slices of meat human kind would ever stumble upon. It can be fried, diced, baked, grilled and even made into ice cream. So how can bacon NOT be relevant to every social and economical demographic under the sun?

3. Bacon Is Ultimately Unique – It has a taste like no other meat product.  It’s kind of a cross between glazed ham and beef jerky.  The sheer individuality of bacon makes it the most utilitarian meat source on the planet. And just try to search for “Bacon Recipes.” You’ll be reading (and drooling) for days…

4. And Bacon Is Soooo Engaging – How can one food, one simple, solitary slice of meat become the biggest meme of the 21st century?  How can bacon, a fat, salty slice of cholesterol become more consistently popular than Justin Bieber or Britney Spears put together?

Let’s just put it this way, have you ever been unhappy eating bacon?

UH OH…  look what I just did…

Can you hear it?  Sizzling like fat on a 400˚ griddle…  my branding brain did it again.

Even when it comes to writing a silly post about the popularity of bacon, I pull in the TRUE Branding formula.  It’s inevitable. When it comes to branding, like bacon, there has to be truth, relevance, uniqueness and engagement.

I haven’t asked pork producers but this could all be a big conspiracy to sell more pork product, but I’m sure they’re not complaining.

How would YOU like your brand to have the fan base bacon has? Imagine having your brand, your product, your name associated with everything personally rewarding and ultimately sinfully satisfying as bacon.

Try it.

Keep Cooking (until it’s crisp and satisfying.)
Andrew B. Clark
The Brand Chef

And with a hat tip to my blogging buddy @AdMavericks (Josh Fleming) I give you another tribute to BACON!

It kills me every Wednesday night. While I’ve known all week that I have a personal deadline set to post every Thursday morning; I wait until Wednesday night (or later) to actually start writing. I take notes, jot ideas, scribble and doodle all week, but when it comes to Wednesday, I open TextEdit and just sit.

CRAP…

Suddenly, tonight, a voice in my head said “What the hell are you doing? Just start writing, you moron!” So I did. I wrote, “You’re going to die anyway.” and POW, the words started rolling.

So I challenged you to write the title of a future post for me – to kick-start some of the juices. And to my surprise, you stepped to the challenge (yay).

Now we – more to the point, YOU – get to vote on which title will be my next post! Read the entries below and vote for your favorite. You have until the end of the day (6:00 pm CST) Monday, June 21st to make your decision.

I will take the most popular title and interview the person that submitted it to get “the full story.” Who knows? It may reveal something about one of our fellow community of readers or it may just be cool to hear how they came up with the title. Any way we look at it, it’s going to prove to be interesting and challenging.

So, vote away! I look forward to seeing the results!

Keep Cooking! (free-flowing creative that saves the world!)

Andrew B. Clark
The Brand Chef